Diva scored 50

Dr. Phil's Test:

Here ya go .. try this. Below is Dr. Phil's test. (Dr. Phil scored 55; he did this test on Oprah-she got a 38.) Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out. Read on, this is very interesting!

 

Don't be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to your friends.

 

The person who sent it placed their score in the subject box. Please do the same before forwarding to your friends. (send it back to the person who sent it to you). Don't peek but begin the test as you scroll down and answer.

 

Answers are for who you are now...... not who you were in the past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready. This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees. It's only 10 simple questions, so...... grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers to each question. Make sure to change the subject of the e-mail to read YOUR total.

 

When you are finished, forward this to friends/family, and also send it to the person who sent this to you. Make sure to put YOUR score in the subject box. Ready??

Begin...

1. When do you feel your best?

a) in the morning

b) during the afternoon &and early evening

c) late at night

 

2. You usually walk...

a) fairly fast, with long steps

b) fairly fast, with little steps

c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face

d) less fast, head down

e) very slowly

 

3. When talking to people you..

a) stand with your arms folded

b) have your hands clasped

c) have one or both your hands on your hips

d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking

e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

 

4. When relaxing, you sit with..

a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side

b) your legs crossed

c) your legs stretched out or straight

d) one leg curled under you

 

5. When something really amuses you, you react with...

a) big appreciated laugh

b) a laugh, but not a loud one

c) a quiet chuckle

d) a sheepish smile

 

6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...

a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you

b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know

c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

 

7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted......

a) welcome the break

b) feel extremely irritated

c) vary between these two extremes

 

8. Which of the following colors do you like most?

a) Red or orange

b) black

c) yellow or light blue

d) green

e) dark blue or purple

f) white

g) brown or gray

 

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are....

a) stretched out on your back

b) stretched out face down on your stomach

c) on your side, slightly curled

d) with your head on one arm

e) with your head under the covers

 

10. You often dream that you are...

a) falling

b) fighting or struggling

c) searching for something or somebody

d) flying or floating

e) you usually have dreamless sleep

f) your dreams are always pleasant

 

POINTS:

 

1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6

2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1

3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6

4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1

5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2

6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2

7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4

8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1

9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1

10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1

 

Now add up the total number of points.

 

OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care."

You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

 

51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

 

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

 

31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical.

They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.

 

21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as pain staking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your cautious nature.

 

UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.

 

Now forward this to others, and put your score in subject box "Dr.Phil's Test, I'm a XX"

 

Blonde joke

A Blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I
would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.

He shows her several patterns, but the blond seems to be having a hard time
choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, "fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman.

"That sounds very small, what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer
monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains!"

The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"

Blond on a Diet

A Blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

He tells her, "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day,
and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have
lost at least five pounds."

When the Blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Blonde nods and answers, "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going
to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asks the doctor.

"No", replied the Blonde, "From skipping!"

Speeding

Jack took a long look at his speedometer before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone. Fourth time in as many months. How could a guy get caught so often?

 

When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour, Jack pulled over, but only partially. Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard. Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror.

 

The cop was stepping out of his car, the big pad in hand. Bob? Bob from Church? Jack sunk farther into his trench coat. This was worse than the coming

ticket. A cop catching a guy from his own church. A guy who happened to be a little eager to get home after a long day at the office. A guy he was about to play

golf with tomorrow.

 

Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw every Sunday, a man he'd never seen in uniform.

 

"Hi, Bob. Fancy meeting you like this."

 

"Hello, Jack." No smile.

 

"Guess you caught me red-handed in a rush to see my wife and kids."

 

"Yeah, I guess." Bob seemed uncertain. Good.

 

"I've seen some long days at the office lately. I'm afraid I bent the rules a bit - just this once." Jack toed at a pebble on the pavement. "Diane said something about roast beef and potatoes tonight. Know what I mean?"

 

"I know what you mean. I also know that you have a reputation in our precinct."

 

Ouch. This was not going in the right direction. Time to change tactics. "What'd you clock me at?"

 

"Seventy. Would you sit back in your car please?"

 

"Now wait a minute here, Bob. I checked as soon as I saw you. I was barely nudging 65." The lie seemed to come easier with every ticket.

 

"Please, Jack, in the car."

 

Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-open door. Slamming it shut, he stared at the dashboard. He was in no rush to open the window. The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled away on the pad. Why hadn't he asked for a driver's license? Whatever the reason, it would be a month of Sundays before Jack ever sat near this cop again. A tap on the door jerked his head to the left. There was Bob, a folded paper in hand. Jack rolled down the window a mere two inches, just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip.

 

"Thanks." Jack could not quite keep the sneer out of his voice.

 

Bob returned to his police car without a word. Jack watched his retreat in the mirror. Jack unfolded the sheet of paper. How much was this one going to cost? Wait a minute. What was this? Some kind of joke? Certainly not a ticket. Jack began to read:

 

"Dear Jack,

Once upon a time I had a daughter. She was six when killed by a car. You guessed it - a speeding driver. A fine and three months in jail, and the man was free. Free to hug his daughters. All three of them. I only had one, and I'm going to have to wait until Heaven before I can ever hug her again. A thousand times I've tried to forgive that man. A thousand times I thought I had. Maybe I did, but I need to do it again. Even now. Pray for me. And be careful, Jack, my son is all I have left."

"Bob"

 

Jack turned around in time to see Bob's car pull away and head down the road. Jack watched until it disappeared. A full 15 minutes later, he too, pulled away and drove slowly home, praying for forgiveness and hugging a surprised wife and kids when he arrived.

 

Life is precious. Handle with care. This is an important message; please pass it along to your friends. Drive safely and carefully. Remember, cars are not the only things recalled by their maker.

Seven Degrees of Blonde

FIRST DEGREE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2
in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened
a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung
up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some
woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a
compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in
the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde
says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The
second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so
she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when
he opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde
is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does
so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut
up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state
capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend
says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's
easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she
was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman,
sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That
was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the
Delaware."

SEVENTH DEGREE Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find
her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9
officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on
the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on
the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find
all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."

Woman

Eve calls out to God.

"Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits.

He'll lie, cheat, and be vain, glorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster & will like to hunt & he will satisfy your physical needs.

He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well ... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring..........So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret......
You know, woman to woman."

 

Just in case you get bored

15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner/significant other is
taking his/her good sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they
aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3 in
housewares' ... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll
only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't
you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick
your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows
where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from
'Mission Impossible'.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size
funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say 'PICK ME!
PICK ME!!!!!'

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal
position and scream 'NO! NO! It's those voices again'.

And last but not least:

15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly....'Hey! We're out of toilet
paper in here!'

This made me stop and think!

Several years ago, a friend of mine and her husband were invited to spend the weekend at the husband's employer's home. My friend, Arlene, was nervous about the weekend. The boss was very wealthy, with a fine home on the waterway, and cars costing more than her house. The first day and evening went well, and Arlene was delighted to have this rare glimpse into how the very wealthy live.

 

The husband's employer was quite generous as a host, and took them to the finest restaurants. Arlene knew she would never have the opportunity to indulge in this kind of extravagance again, so was enjoying herself immensely. As the three of them were about to enter an exclusive restaurant that evening, the boss was walking slightly ahead of Arlene and her husband.

 

He stopped suddenly, looking down on the pavement for a long, silent moment. Arlene wondered if she was supposed to pass him. There was nothing on the ground except a single darkened penny that someone had dropped, and a few cigarette butts. Still silent, the man reached down and picked up the penny. He held it up and smiled, then put it in his pocket as if he had found a great treasure.

 

How absurd! What need did this man have for a single penny? Why would he even take the time to stop and pick it up?

 

Throughout dinner, the entire scene nagged at her. Finally, she could stand it no longer. She causally mentioned that her daughter once had a coin collection, and asked if the penny he had found had been of some valuable.

 

A smile crept across the man's face as he reached into his pocket for the penny and held it out for her to see. She had seen many pennies before!

 

What was the point of this?

 

"Look at it." He said. "Read what it says."

 

She read the words "United States of America."

 

"No, not that; read further."

 

"One cent?"

 

"No, keep reading."

 

"In God we Trust?"

 

"Yes!"

 

"And?"

 

"And if I trust in God, the name of God is holy, even on a coin. Whenever I find a coin I see that inscription. It is written on every single United States coin, but we never seem to notice it! God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him? Who am I to pass it by?

 

When I see a coin, I pray, I stop to see if my trust IS in God at that moment. I pick the coin up as a response to God; that I do trust in Him...

 

For a short time, at least, I cherish it as if it were gold. I think it is God's way of starting a conversation with me. Lucky for me, God is patient and pennies are plentiful!

 

When I was out shopping today, I found a penny on the sidewalk. I stopped and picked it up, and realized that I had been worrying and fretting in my mind about things I cannot change. I read the words, "In God We Trust," and had to laugh. Yes, God, I get the message. It seems that I have been finding an inordinate number of pennies in the last few months, but then, pennies are plentiful!

 

And God is patient

 

Somethings to think about

Proper perspective and priorities

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of
him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty
mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, about 2"in diameter. He
then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the
jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open
areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was
full. They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course,
the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was
full. The students responded with an unanimous - yes.

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and
proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar - effectively filling
the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided,"I want you to recognize
that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things -
your family, your partner, your health, your children -- things that if
everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be
full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your
house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued "There is no room for
the pebbles or the rocks."

"The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the
small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to
you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play
with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out
dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a
dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first --the things
that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no
matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of
beers."

Customer Service Complaint

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart & funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

 

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

 

The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

 

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

 

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

 

"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.

 

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** you!"

 

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

 

**********************************************

 

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

 

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

 

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub."

 

************************************************

 

Cardiologist Funeral

 

A well known cardiologist died, and an elaborate funeral was planned.

 

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

 

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter! When confronted, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.....

 

I'm a gynecologist."

 

Four Nuns

One Friday four nuns are wondering what to do with their weekend, after a lot of thought they decide to ask the priest for the whole weekend off to go

on a little trip away.

 

Off they went to ask the priest, he gave it a lot of consideration and in the end he decided to give the nuns this little break on one condition, that on Monday they would come back and admit the sins they committed on the weekend. The nuns agreed and off they went.

 

Monday comes and the first nun comes to the priest and says, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned, I was backing out of my brothers driveway and ran over his neighbors dog."

 

The priest looked up to heaven for a moment and said to the nun "God forgives you, now go and drink the holy water." .....and off she went and drank the holy water.

 

The fourth nun, who was waiting in line had began to laugh absurdly.

 

The second nun comes into the priest and says, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned, I ran down the main street naked."

 

The priest looked up to heaven for a few minutes and then said to the nun "God forgives you, now go and drink the holy water.".......and off she went

and drank the holy water.

 

The fourth nun was now on the ground laughing.

 

The third nun comes into the priest and says, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned, I kissed a man."

 

The priest looked up to heaven for a few moments and then said to nun "God forgives you, now go and drink the holy water. So off she went and drank the holy water.

 

Then it was the fourth nuns turn, The priest turned to her and said, "Now what the hell is so funny?"

 

She replied,"I pissed in the holy water"

 

A Red Marble

During the waning years of the depression in a small southeastern Idaho
community, I used to stop by Mr. Miller's roadside stand for farm-fresh
produce as the season made it available. Food and money were still extremely
scarce and bartering was used, extensively.

One particular day Mr. Miller was bagging some early potatoes for me. I
noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean,
hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas. I paid for my
potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a
pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't
help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller and the ragged boy next
to me.

"Hello Barry, how are you today?"

H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas... sure look
good."

"They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?"

"Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time."

"Good. Anything I can help you with?"

"No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas."

"Would you like to take some home?"

"No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with."

"Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?"

"All I got's my prize marble here."

"Is that right? Let me see it."

"Here 'tis. She's a dandy."

"I can see that. Hmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for
red. Do you have a red one like this at home?"

"Not 'zackley .....but, almost."

"Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way
let me look at that red marble."

"Sure will. Thanks, Mr. Miller."

Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. With a
smile she said: "There are two other boys like him in our community, all
three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them
for peas, apples, tomatoes or whatever. When they come back with their red
marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he
sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one,
perhaps."

I left the stand, smiling to myself, impressed with this man.

A short time later I moved to Colorado but I never forgot the story of this
man, the boys and their bartering. Several years went by each more rapid
than the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old
friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr.
Miller had died. They were having his viewing that evening and knowing my
friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them.

Upon our arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of
the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could. Ahead of us in
line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore
nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts...very professional looking.

They approached Mrs. Miller, standing smiling and composed, by her husband's
casket. Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke
briefly with her and moved on to the casket. Her misty light blue eyes
followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his
own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary,
awkwardly, wiping his eyes.

Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and mentioned the
story she had told me about the marbles. Eyes glistening she took my hand
and led me to the casket. "Those three young men, who just left, were the
boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim
"traded" them. Now, at last when Jim could not change his mind about color
or size ... they came to pay their debt. "We've never had a great deal of
the wealth of this world," she confided, "but, right now, Jim would consider
himself the richest man in Idaho." With loving gentleness she lifted the
lifeless fingers of her deceased husband.

Resting underneath were three, exquisitely shined, red marbles.

Moral: We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds.
Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take
our breath.

A wish for you!

Today...I wish you a day of ordinary miracles -- A fresh pot of coffee you
didn't make yourself. An unexpected phone call from an old friend. Green
stoplights on your way to work or shop.

I wish you a day of little things to rejoice in... The fastest line at the
grocery store. A good sing along song on the radio. Your keys right where
you look.

I wish you a day of happiness and perfection -- little bite-size pieces of
perfection that give you the funny feeling that the Lord is smiling on you,
holding you so gently because you are someone special and rare. I wish You a
day of Peace, Happiness and Joy.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate
them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

White Roses

On the last day before Christmas, I hurried to go to the supermarket to buy
the remaining gifts I didn't manage to buy earlier. When I saw all the
people there, I started to complain to myself: 'It is going to take forever
here and I still have so many other places to go...' 'Christmas really is
getting more and more annoying every year. How I wish I could just lie down,
go to sleep and only wake up after it...'

Nonetheless, I made my way to the toy section, and there I started to curse
the prices, wondering if after all kids really play with such expensive
toys. While looking in the toy section, I noticed a small boy of about 5
years old, pressing a doll against his chest. He kept on touching the hair
of the doll and looked so sad.

I wondered who was this doll for. Then the little boy turned to the old
woman next to him: 'Grammy, are you sure I don't have enough money?' The
old lady replied: 'You know that you don't have enough money to buy this
doll, my dear.' Then she asked him to stay here for 5 minutes while she
went to look around. She left quickly.

The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand. Finally, I started
to walk toward him and I asked him whom did he want to give this doll to.
'It is the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for this
Christmas. She was so sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her.'

I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus will bring it to her, after all, and
not to worry. But he replied to me sadly. 'No, Santa Claus can not bring
it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mother so that she
can give it to her when she goes there.'

His eyes were so sad while saying this. 'My sister has gone to be with God.
Daddy says that Mummy will also go to see God very soon, so I thought that
she could bring the doll with her to give it to my sister'

My heart nearly stopped. The little boy looked up at me and said: 'I told
daddy to tell mummy not to go yet. I asked him to wait until I come back
from the supermarket'

Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He then
told me: 'I also want mummy to take this photo with her so that she will not
forget me.' 'I love my mummy and I wish she didn't have to leave me but
daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister'. Then he looked
again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.

I quickly reached for my wallet and took a few notes and said to the boy.
'What if we checked again, just in case you have enough money?' 'Ok' he
said. 'I hope that I have enough.'

I added some of my money to his without him seeing and we started to count
it. There was enough for the doll, and even some spare money. The little
boy said: 'Thank you God for giving me enough money'. Then he looked at me
and added: 'I asked yesterday before I slept for God to make sure I had
enough money to buy this doll so that mummy can give it to my sister. He
heard me'. 'I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my
mummy, but I didn't dare to ask God too much. But He gave me enough to buy
the doll and the white rose.' 'You know, my mummy loves white rose'

A few minutes later, the old lady came again and I left with my trolley. I
finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I started. I
couldn't get the little boy out of my mind. Then I remembered a local
newspaper article 2 days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck who hit
a car where there was one young lady and a little girl. The little girl
died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had
to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-assisting machine, because
the young lady would not be able to get out of the coma.

Was this the family of the little boy?

Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the newspaper
that the young lady had passed away. I couldn't stop myself and went to
buy a bunch of white roses and I went to the mortuary where the body of the
young woman was exposed for people to see and make last wishes before
burial.

She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand
with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest. I
left the place crying, feeling that my life had been changed forever. The
love that this little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to
that day, hard to imagine.

And in a fraction of a second, a drunk man had taken all this away from him.

I've learned....

I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end,
the faster it goes.

I've learned....
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned....
That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned....
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned...
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and
loved.

I've learned....
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

I've learned....
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned....
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that
person continue to hurt you.

I've learned....
That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned....
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with
people smarter than I am.

I've learned....
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned....
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling
their breath on your cheeks.

I've learned....
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned....
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned....
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned....
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned...
That I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before
he passed away.

I've learned....
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he
may have to eat them.

I've learned....
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned....
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

I've learned....
That when your newly born child holds your little finger in his little
fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned....
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness
and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned...
That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is
requested and when it is a life threatening situation.

I've learned....
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

The Future

AHHHH YES!!

There are recent rumors that Julie Andrews did a concert for AARP.
Ms.Andrews sang a favorite from the Sound of Music, Favorite Things. There
were a few changes to the words, to fit in with the AARP theme.

Here are the new words to this tune:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin,
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

AIN'T AGING WONDERFUL? THESE ARE THE GOLDEN YEARS.

Dedicated Employee

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel
manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at
8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel
manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting
about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole
line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to
show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the
place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the
material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as
she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and
starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several
minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says,
"I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give
Elmo two test tickles.

Seven Wonders of the World

A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present
"Seven Wonders of the World."

Though there were some disagreements, the following received the most
votes:

1. Egypt's Great Pyramids
2. Taj Mahal
3. Grand Canyon
4. Panama Canal
5. Empire State Building
6. St. Peter's Basilica
7. China's Great Wall

While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student had not
finished her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with
her list. The girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my
mind because there were so many."

The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help."

The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the 'Seven Wonders of the World'
are:

1. to see
2. to hear
3. to touch
4. to taste
5. to feel
6. to laugh
7. and to love..."

The room was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop.

The things we overlook as simple and ordinary and that we take for granted
are truly wondrous! A gentle reminder -- that the most precious things in
life cannot be built by hand or bought by man.

Times Change

How things change in only 30 years:

1972: Long hair
2002: Longing for hair

1972: The perfect high
2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1972: KEG
2002: EKG

1972: Acid rock
2002: Acid reflux

1972: Moving to California because it's cool
2002: Moving to California because it's warm

1972: Growing pot
2002: Growing pot belly

1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1972: Seeds and stems
2002: Roughage

1972: Killer weed
2002: Weed killer

1972: Hoping for a BMW
2002: Hoping for a BM

1972: The Grateful Dead
2002: Dr. Kevorkian

1972: Going to a new, hip joint
2002: Receiving a new hip joint

1972: Rolling Stones
2002: Kidney Stones

1972: Being called into the principal's office
2002: Calling the principal's office

1972: Screw the system
2002: Upgrade the system

1972: Disco
2002: Costco

1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1972: Passing the driver's test
2002: Passing the vision test

1972: Whatever
2002: Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change
things :

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born
in 1985. They are too young to remember the first space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or
"de plane Boss, de plane".

They do not c! are who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

From an Oregonian at heart

Pacific Northwest According to Jeff Foxworthy

You might be from the Pacific northwest if:

1) You know the state flower (Mildew)

2) You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash

3) Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means

4) You know more than 10 ways to order coffee

5) You know more people who own boats than air conditioners

6) You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant

7) You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal

8) You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is
not a real mountain

9) You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best and
Veneto's

10) You know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye

11) You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon and
Willamette (Will lam it)

12) You consider swimming an indoor sport

13) You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food

14) In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark and only
work 8 hours

15) You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho

16) You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and,
"Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers"

17) You cannot wait for a day with "showers and sun breaks"

18) You have no concept of humidity without precipitation

19) You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind

20) You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through
the clouds

21) You notice, "the mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can
actually see it

22) You put on shorts when it gets above 50, but still wear your hiking
boots and parka

23) You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on

24) You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain

25) You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists

26) You knew immediately that the view out of Frasier's window was fake

27) You buy new sunglasses every year, cause you can't find the old ones
after such a long time

28) You measure distance in hours

29) You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day

30) You use a down comforter in the summer

31) You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them

32) You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat

33) You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining
(Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Still Raining (Fall)

34) You actually understand these jokes and forward them on to your friends