The Ghost

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last
of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several
false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another
and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed
beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at
his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets,
a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched
the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of
a ghost!"

PEST CONTROL

PEST CONTROL

 

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.

 

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

 

"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

 

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

 

"Who are you?" he asked him.

 

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

 

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

 

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

 

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

 

The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little bastards."

 

Carnation Contest

A little old lady from Wisconsin had lived on and worked around a family
dairy farm since she was old enough to walk. There were hours of hard
work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in
grocery stores (1940s or 50's) she read an advertisement offering $5,000
for the best slogan, rhyme that should begin with "Carnation Milk is best
of all...

"The little old lady said, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can
do this! She sent in her entry and about a week later, a black limo drove up
in front of her house. A man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your
entry so much, we are here to award you $1000 even though we will not be able
to use it."

Here is her entry:

Carnation milk is best of all, No tits to pull, no shit to haul! No buckets
to wash, no hay to pitch, just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch!

Cruise forever, anyone ??

This has some merit-don't you think?

There will be no nursing home in my future.........

When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship.

The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on
reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior
discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for :

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant,
or I can have room service (which means breakfast in bed every day of the
week).

3. Princess ships have as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free
washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5
worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. TV broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced?
No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for
them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare. If
you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a
suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best!

Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New
Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go?

Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing
home, just call shore to ship.

P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no
charge.

A cute joke

Don't let anyone make your life miserable. This is something to think about
when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.

So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares
less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome
with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty
and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting
there?"

We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always
late.

Where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called
Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in
the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced.
So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.

""That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this
lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked
her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of
Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up
to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome
28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great!
They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the
finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and
gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you
didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet
some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room
and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes
later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and
he spoke a few words to me."

Oh Really what did he say??

He said, "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"

King Arthur and the Witch

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by
Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long
as he could answer a very difficult question.

Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he
still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex
even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an
impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the
monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone:

The princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke
with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people
advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom
for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and
Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the
question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of
the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She
was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made
obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in
all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible
burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said
nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the
preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question
thus: What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her
own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered
a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and
Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour
approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered
the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had
ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had
happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she
appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self
only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he
prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show
off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old
witch?

Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a
beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments? What would YOU
do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down
below.

OKAY?

Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question,
said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this,
she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had
respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are
going to get ugly

The Beer Prayer

Our Lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink.

Thy will be drunk,

I will be drunk,

At home as it is in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,

and forgive us our spillages,

as we forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers.

For Thine is the beer, the bitter, the lager.

Barman.

 

Enjoy the story

To all the strong independent women I know:

This is the fairy tale that you should have been reading as little girls!

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating
ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was
once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper,
young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup
housekeeping in your castle
with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear
my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly
sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she
chuckled and thought to herself:

I don't fucking think so.