To Be Six Again

A man asked his wife what she'd like for Mother's Day. "I'd love to be
six again", was her reply.

On the morning of Mother's Day, he arose early, made her a nice big
bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the
Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there
was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal
with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie,
popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly
asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress
size, you dumb ass!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

NURSING HOME POLICE

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge
around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up
to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one
sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and
some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and
Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he
shouted in a firm voice

"Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper,
and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the
hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold
popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP!

Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up
to him. Harold nodded, and said "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig
stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable
erection.

"Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyzer again!"

Howard Keel Dies at 85

Howard Keel has died of colon cancer at age 85.

He was one of my all-time favorites. I can remember watching Seven Brides and Kiss Me Kate and just being fascinated with his voice.

I never watched him on Dallas. I didn't even realize he was on there. I just remember how big he was and how big his voice was.

Blessed Be, Howard Keel.

Better Than Health Class

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to
walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms,
son.... Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in
health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why
are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys.One for Friday, one
for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy.He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men." the dad answers.

"Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied "Those are for married men. One for
January, one for February, one for March........"