New Jokes
A young bride was scouring the aisles of the supermarket. Up and down each aisle she went, then started over again. The store manager noticed this and went over to her.
"Can I help you find something, miss?" he asked.
"I's Mrs.!", she said proudly, "I just got married."
"Congratulations, " said the manager. "What can I help you find?" "Scratch," she replied.
"Scratch?" he asked, "Is that a new cleanser or something?"
"No silly," she replied brightly. "My husband told me that his mother made everything from scratch, so I need to find some!"
A teacher said to her student, "William, if both of your parents were born in 1976, how old are they now?"
After a few moments, William answered, "It depends."
"It depends on what?" she asked.
"It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother."
A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news: "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.
She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I get away with it?"
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00.
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"
The cook replied: "Have you ever tried to clean one?"
Yesterday I saw a friend of mine, a Jewish man by the name of Moshe, reading an Arab newspaper. Surprised and more than a little curious I approached my old friend. "Moshe, why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"
Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspapers. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks; Jews control the media; Jews are all rich and powerful and Jews rule the world. Their news is so much better."
A reporter was interviewing British prime minister Winston Churchill. "What do you think sir," he inquired, "of the prediction that in the year two thousand women will be ruling the world?" The prime minister smiled his cherub-like smile and said, "They still will, eh?"
One little girl in my wife's second grade class appeared to be on the verge of tears. Sharon took her aside and asked what was wrong. "My mommy is allergic to my new kitten," the girl said.
"Oh, that's too bad," sympathized Sharon. "Will you have to give her away?"
"No," the child sobbed. "Daddy says the kitten has to go."
"Can I help you find something, miss?" he asked.
"I's Mrs.!", she said proudly, "I just got married."
"Congratulations, " said the manager. "What can I help you find?" "Scratch," she replied.
"Scratch?" he asked, "Is that a new cleanser or something?"
"No silly," she replied brightly. "My husband told me that his mother made everything from scratch, so I need to find some!"
A teacher said to her student, "William, if both of your parents were born in 1976, how old are they now?"
After a few moments, William answered, "It depends."
"It depends on what?" she asked.
"It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother."
A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news: "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.
She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I get away with it?"
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00.
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"
The cook replied: "Have you ever tried to clean one?"
Yesterday I saw a friend of mine, a Jewish man by the name of Moshe, reading an Arab newspaper. Surprised and more than a little curious I approached my old friend. "Moshe, why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"
Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspapers. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks; Jews control the media; Jews are all rich and powerful and Jews rule the world. Their news is so much better."
A reporter was interviewing British prime minister Winston Churchill. "What do you think sir," he inquired, "of the prediction that in the year two thousand women will be ruling the world?" The prime minister smiled his cherub-like smile and said, "They still will, eh?"
One little girl in my wife's second grade class appeared to be on the verge of tears. Sharon took her aside and asked what was wrong. "My mommy is allergic to my new kitten," the girl said.
"Oh, that's too bad," sympathized Sharon. "Will you have to give her away?"
"No," the child sobbed. "Daddy says the kitten has to go."
posted by drc at 3:09 PM
