A note from Santa

Bubba Claus is coming to Town A Note from: Santa Claus I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, North and South Carolina, New Mexico, Arizona, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as: 1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson." 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds or a moon pie on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy. 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace. 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty." 5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!" 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety sticker on the back with the words "Back Off." 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus. And Finally, 8. Bubba Claus doesn't always wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus           Be kinder than necessary, for everyone is fighting their own kind of battles.

 

Christmas joke

 

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this Holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates". The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "These are Carol's." And So The Christmas Season Begins......

 

Christmas with Louise- the funniest email ever

 

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners.  This won first prize.       Christmas With Louise As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas.  He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.  What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true.  I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll.  They don't sell those things at Walmart.  I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.  You'll only confuse yourself.  I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?  You're kidding me!  Who would buy that?"  Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult.  Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.  I settled for Lovable Louise.  She was at the bottom of the price scale.  To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom.  I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.  I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused.   She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.  "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.  "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I?  It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said,  "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.  Not just talking, but actually flirting.  It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well.  We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning.  Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed.  I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.  My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse.  We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!     Life is a balance of holding on and letting go.

 

Tequila & Salt

 Tequila and Salt
 
 This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where one could read it every day.  You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.
 
  1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
 
  2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
 
  3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
 
  4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
 
  5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

 6. You mean the world to someone.
 
 7. You are special and unique.
 
 8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
 
 9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
 
 10 When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
 
 11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
 
  
 So.........
 
 If you are a loving friend, send this to everyone, including the one that sent it to you.
 
 If you get it back, then they really do love you.
 
  And always remember....
 
 when life hands you Lemons, ask for Tequila and Salt and call me over!
 
 
 
 Good friends are like stars........
 
 You don't always see them, But you know they are always there.
 
 
 
 'Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Open s Another, Even Though Sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway'
 
 
  
 I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here than a whole truck load when I'm gone.
 
 
 
 Forward to all your friends.
 
 And don't tell me you're too busy for this..
 
 Don't you know the phrase 'stop and smell the flowers'? See how many 'bouquets' you end up with!
 
 
 
 Happiness keeps You Sweet,
 Trials keep You Strong,
  Sorrows keep You Human,
  Failures keeps You Humble,
  Success keeps You Glowing,
  But Only God keeps You Going