One Liners

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased
to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine up
against a wall".

Eleanor Roosevelt
***
Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have
since been visited by her sister ... and now wish to withdraw that
statement.

Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and have the two as close together as possible.

George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea ...visit people only once a year.

Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Mark Twain
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What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce.

Mark Twain
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My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.

Les Dawson
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By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get
a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops
to breathe.

Jimmy Durante
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The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness,
can be trained to do most things.

Jilly Cooper
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I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

Alex Levine
***
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you
nothing. It was here first.

Mark Twain
***
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

Ed Furgol
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Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of
misery.

Spike Milligan
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What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Henny Youngman
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I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the
position.

Mark Twain
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.

Joe Namath
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Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Herbert Henry Asquith
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my
nap.

Bob Hope
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A woman drove me to drink and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.

W.C. Fields
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

W.C. Fields
***
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if
it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

George Burns
***
We could certainly slow aging process down if it had to work its way through
Congress.

Unknown