Interesting ideas

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

 

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

 

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said " Implants?"  She hit me.

 

I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

 

 I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

 

 I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

 

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

 

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

 

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail . . . but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "@!#$ . . that was fun!"

 

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

 

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

 

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

 

Just remember . . . if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

 

Wouldn't you know it . . . Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

 

Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher . . and since it's in English, thank a soldier."